after a hiatus

as i sit here wondering what to type i begin to reflect back on things that have happened in the past 5 months or so. if i wanted there would be so many things to talk about.. from coming back and taking 5 subjects but only attending 1 basically to starting to mix my own mixes of music.. from the dates i’ve been to to the crushing time when i flooded my car.. from the stupid appearance of the swine flu to the trips i’ve had to cancel because of the disease. but i won’t.

i’ve been meaning to update the blog for quite some time now but i dunno, everytime i have that urge to write something down, i just shrug it off and just leave it be, dwelling only on it when i have the time in my mind. but nonetheless, only the normal stuff’s been happening lately. since coming back to the states, the first 4+ months have been pretty standard and normal except for the instance where i hydrolocked my car and screwed up my engine.

but i guess emotionally i’ve been fine all the way.  i can partly attribute this to really sticking to my new thinking of not really caring much for what’s happening, and not constantly trying to try try try to change things to come my way. everything happens for a reason and for whatever reason it is, i accept it, even if i don’t know it. always thinking and trying only brings deeper regrets and hurt once things don’t go your way.

when the car broke down, feelings of extreme hurt from before rose again. not exactly the same feelings of hurt but, metaphorically speaking, i felt a big tug on my heart as my car’s basically something i love a lot here and to see her broken down made me nuts. but retrospectively, i realised that it’s been such a while since i’ve felt a feeling of sadness like that. that got me thinking, hmm not feeling this in a long time probably means that i’ve been actually feeling fine all this while. dwell no more.

then there’s the issue of what i’m going to do once i graduate at the end of the year. i guess it’s just my luck that i’ll be graduating at the time where the economy’s in the biggest shithole its seen since the 1930s. that’s not even factoring in the fact that graduates in economics aren’t the biggest job market candidates. so i’m practically screwed so i’ll probably extend my time in school (guiltily at the expense of my poor father).

where will i be in the month of december? i still dunno.. everyday this question sweeps through my mind like a lingering bee flying by your ear. it’s constant repititive buzzing only serves to irritate me and i constantly keep wanting to get it over with and make a decision but i know i can’t. but so far, i think i’m probably 70% leaving wichita.

i have nothing against the place, except for the fact that i dislike most everything about it. i will miss the people, the malaysians especially but i know i’ll run into them again in the future. but then again, saying goodbyes now when there’s 6 months to go is still pretty premature since anything can happen.

and that’s another instance where taking things one step at a time really helps for me. i want to take this slowly and just go with the flow (even though sometimes it won’t let me do it).

but most probably, if everything goes to plan, i’ll be back in malaysia before i know it. and probably i’ll take a holiday for about 2 months or so, visiting countries around and then i’ll be in australia doing my masters. who knows.. i might find a job and be done with it there. or i might even just do my masters in malaysia or something.

we’ll see.

dunno why, i’m not really in the most pleasant of moods today.. hmmm i want to rant, i want to shout, i want to scream. i just don’t have the place to do it anymore..

~ by divinition on May 25, 2009.