metaphorical journey back.

=)

today marks the last time this song will play in my head and computer. (ignore the video). as time ticks down and the curtain draws to a close on this issue-filled journey back, i begin to fear.. fear the fact that goodbyes are inevitable.

it’s been a great month (and a half). a mixture of both positives and negatives and seeping in between, learning important eye-opening facts of life.

that things are a lot deeper than it seems in some things and in others, thinking too deeply is futile as merely taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture is much more effective. but wounds are still partially fresh, and memories are taking it’s toll on me. maybe it really is a good thing that i’m leaving after all. “steel and granite reminders” the song tells us and for me it’s more than that. just part of my nature i guess but it’s part and parcel of things like this.

having someone (or more) to talk to about all this has really helped tremendously. you know who you are if you read. it’s true that everyone’s been through this road and it’s only through the creation of newer memories that can kill the pain and thus, render the old memories as pleasant trivialities of your past life that you’ve let go off.

i didn’t manage to say that last goodbye personally, but you should know that i meant it. maybe i should have woken you up? haha. nah.. not like you’ll never see me again. you’ll do great this year.. and you’ll pull through, as you always do. hmmm, i know you realise a lot of things, realise things you should have done better, things you may have thought you shouldn’t even have done but think of them as baby footsteps in your journey in learning life’s ways. after everything you’ve gone through and i’ve gone through, we both deserve better than what’s happening right now.

i’ve no doubt that things will start to lessen in awkwardness but it just takes time. everything does.

i take back what i said before though.. about deciding and making plans on long term futures. that thinking ahead is important and imperative in making my decisions. i think i’ve come to the reality that now, we don’t have to look back.. rather, look at the present and enjoy what’s there, enjoy who’s there, and make the best of it while they’re still there cause you never know when they might just *poof* away.

you taught me an important lesson. why cage ourselves in this invisible bird cage, devoid of pure happiness through freedom when we’re so young? it’s time for me to have fun, to experience things, to go through many incidences which i wouldn’t have thought of with my previous self.

previous self you say? yeah, i’ve changed. i think i really have.. for better or worse? then you have to be the judge for yourself.

further goodbyes will come as i count down towards boarding that plane to the salvation and escape. a friend told me “wtf is your problem” after i told him/her that i’m feeling like leaving malaysia earlier to return to america earlier as well. but after a couple of lines, he was able to get it.. that i just feel different this time. emptier in a way you could say.. not in really bad terms. but then just enough to make me feel like, i’ve had enough of malaysia.

and yet, as i type this now, i don’t wnat to leave. i’m not done with a lot of my activities that i will surely miss. where else other than malaysia can you yum cha like 6 times a day? =)

it’s 6am, and thoughts are still lingering. it’s painful tonight. but it will pass.. it will pass.

goodnight and.. goodbye.

~ by divinition on January 29, 2009.