confessions of a unknowing fan.

sorry again as i’ve not been updating. since now i have the time and patience to while i’m slowly rotting at the office i’ll add an entry on something that’s really bugged me last week.

i woke up to (literally at 6pm) to the news of the death of one of hollywood’s icons and undoubtably icons of billions around the world. michael jackson, the king has moved on.

it was sorta numb at first really, on the first site i always open nowadays.. facebook. updates on MJ’s condition was coming fast and frequent and i couldn’t believe it. a quick glance at CNN and it was true.

you know how sometimes you just can’t believe what happened? this particular feeling stuck on me for probably 4 or 5 days after he died. i dunno, it’s just something about michael jackson that made you believe deep down inside of you that he’s someone who shouldn’t die, like he “can’t” die. it’s just UNTHINKABLE that he’d actually die. but he did. and he went as sudden as the storm that set his road to fame alive.

for me, i didn’t know why i was affected even until i spent the rest of the day on imeem just listening and singing along to his older tunes and slowly, it hit me. i had grown up with his music my entire life. i can really say that MJ was probably the first music artist that made me sing along to everytime i heard it. i always remember listening to Heal the World.. Black or White was also a big hit in my mind once the memories came flooding in with the Home Alone kid there in the music videos.

and despite his numerous eccentricities, i really remember him more for his larger than life attitude towards singing, towards dancing (understatement) and towards life in general. through the extended coverage here in america (all the major news networks specifically had MJ as their front page item for probably a week or so after his death) i was able to rekindle my memories of him and his songs. seeing his life progress through photos and videos really made me think and believed that MJ really is the boy who never grew up but still did mature at the same time.

the boy who started his career as a superstar when he was 6 and kept his fame going on and on until he was 50, ready to embark on another superstar curtain call tour around the globe. he never had time for the usual growing up routines that kids had in those days. it was tours, producing, concerts, recordings, and whatnot instead of school and regular chill time with your friends.

his meteoric rise was even more remarkable given that he’s black. MTV started playing Black music because of MJ. MJ is the breakthrough for many things, icons of history that changed the world. people who should be mentioned in the same breath as MJ include the likes of Elvis Presly, Bruce Lee, etc. MJ was the true superstar of the past half century.

growing up with his music, now that he’s dead, you really start to think and wonder.. MJ’s been with all of us really. every soul living on this planet can relate to a lot of his music, especially the meaningful “i wan’t to change the world” ideas underlying them in some way.

corny as it may sound, MJ has moved on physically, but will always live on in those who cherish his music, his life, his legacy. one of the true greats of this century..

RIP Michael Joseph Jackson

after a hiatus

as i sit here wondering what to type i begin to reflect back on things that have happened in the past 5 months or so. if i wanted there would be so many things to talk about.. from coming back and taking 5 subjects but only attending 1 basically to starting to mix my own mixes of music.. from the dates i’ve been to to the crushing time when i flooded my car.. from the stupid appearance of the swine flu to the trips i’ve had to cancel because of the disease. but i won’t.

i’ve been meaning to update the blog for quite some time now but i dunno, everytime i have that urge to write something down, i just shrug it off and just leave it be, dwelling only on it when i have the time in my mind. but nonetheless, only the normal stuff’s been happening lately. since coming back to the states, the first 4+ months have been pretty standard and normal except for the instance where i hydrolocked my car and screwed up my engine.

but i guess emotionally i’ve been fine all the way.  i can partly attribute this to really sticking to my new thinking of not really caring much for what’s happening, and not constantly trying to try try try to change things to come my way. everything happens for a reason and for whatever reason it is, i accept it, even if i don’t know it. always thinking and trying only brings deeper regrets and hurt once things don’t go your way.

when the car broke down, feelings of extreme hurt from before rose again. not exactly the same feelings of hurt but, metaphorically speaking, i felt a big tug on my heart as my car’s basically something i love a lot here and to see her broken down made me nuts. but retrospectively, i realised that it’s been such a while since i’ve felt a feeling of sadness like that. that got me thinking, hmm not feeling this in a long time probably means that i’ve been actually feeling fine all this while. dwell no more.

then there’s the issue of what i’m going to do once i graduate at the end of the year. i guess it’s just my luck that i’ll be graduating at the time where the economy’s in the biggest shithole its seen since the 1930s. that’s not even factoring in the fact that graduates in economics aren’t the biggest job market candidates. so i’m practically screwed so i’ll probably extend my time in school (guiltily at the expense of my poor father).

where will i be in the month of december? i still dunno.. everyday this question sweeps through my mind like a lingering bee flying by your ear. it’s constant repititive buzzing only serves to irritate me and i constantly keep wanting to get it over with and make a decision but i know i can’t. but so far, i think i’m probably 70% leaving wichita.

i have nothing against the place, except for the fact that i dislike most everything about it. i will miss the people, the malaysians especially but i know i’ll run into them again in the future. but then again, saying goodbyes now when there’s 6 months to go is still pretty premature since anything can happen.

and that’s another instance where taking things one step at a time really helps for me. i want to take this slowly and just go with the flow (even though sometimes it won’t let me do it).

but most probably, if everything goes to plan, i’ll be back in malaysia before i know it. and probably i’ll take a holiday for about 2 months or so, visiting countries around and then i’ll be in australia doing my masters. who knows.. i might find a job and be done with it there. or i might even just do my masters in malaysia or something.

we’ll see.

dunno why, i’m not really in the most pleasant of moods today.. hmmm i want to rant, i want to shout, i want to scream. i just don’t have the place to do it anymore..

and i bid you farewell..

and so the time has come. i’ll be leaving my house now and i have said my goodbyes.

to those i did not have a chance to say goodbye to, then goodbye to you.

our paths will cross again in the future i hope and guess?

last night was marvellous and i want the pictures!

hmmm i do sincerely believe things are finally better. and i hope it stays the same forever more.

i will hold all of you close friends next to me in my dreams and hope that you too have your happiness and glory this year.

and with a heavy heavy heart, i bid you farewell now.

goodbye. =)

metaphorical journey back.

=)

today marks the last time this song will play in my head and computer. (ignore the video). as time ticks down and the curtain draws to a close on this issue-filled journey back, i begin to fear.. fear the fact that goodbyes are inevitable.

it’s been a great month (and a half). a mixture of both positives and negatives and seeping in between, learning important eye-opening facts of life.

that things are a lot deeper than it seems in some things and in others, thinking too deeply is futile as merely taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture is much more effective. but wounds are still partially fresh, and memories are taking it’s toll on me. maybe it really is a good thing that i’m leaving after all. “steel and granite reminders” the song tells us and for me it’s more than that. just part of my nature i guess but it’s part and parcel of things like this.

having someone (or more) to talk to about all this has really helped tremendously. you know who you are if you read. it’s true that everyone’s been through this road and it’s only through the creation of newer memories that can kill the pain and thus, render the old memories as pleasant trivialities of your past life that you’ve let go off.

i didn’t manage to say that last goodbye personally, but you should know that i meant it. maybe i should have woken you up? haha. nah.. not like you’ll never see me again. you’ll do great this year.. and you’ll pull through, as you always do. hmmm, i know you realise a lot of things, realise things you should have done better, things you may have thought you shouldn’t even have done but think of them as baby footsteps in your journey in learning life’s ways. after everything you’ve gone through and i’ve gone through, we both deserve better than what’s happening right now.

i’ve no doubt that things will start to lessen in awkwardness but it just takes time. everything does.

i take back what i said before though.. about deciding and making plans on long term futures. that thinking ahead is important and imperative in making my decisions. i think i’ve come to the reality that now, we don’t have to look back.. rather, look at the present and enjoy what’s there, enjoy who’s there, and make the best of it while they’re still there cause you never know when they might just *poof* away.

you taught me an important lesson. why cage ourselves in this invisible bird cage, devoid of pure happiness through freedom when we’re so young? it’s time for me to have fun, to experience things, to go through many incidences which i wouldn’t have thought of with my previous self.

previous self you say? yeah, i’ve changed. i think i really have.. for better or worse? then you have to be the judge for yourself.

further goodbyes will come as i count down towards boarding that plane to the salvation and escape. a friend told me “wtf is your problem” after i told him/her that i’m feeling like leaving malaysia earlier to return to america earlier as well. but after a couple of lines, he was able to get it.. that i just feel different this time. emptier in a way you could say.. not in really bad terms. but then just enough to make me feel like, i’ve had enough of malaysia.

and yet, as i type this now, i don’t wnat to leave. i’m not done with a lot of my activities that i will surely miss. where else other than malaysia can you yum cha like 6 times a day? =)

it’s 6am, and thoughts are still lingering. it’s painful tonight. but it will pass.. it will pass.

goodnight and.. goodbye.

photo of the millenia.

i love humor photography.. even more when it includes what i love most. cars.

hahaha.. remember that evo pic + the corvette at the traffic lights? with the evo showing a not so nice gesture to the vette.. haha.. here it is:

the auto forums have yet uncovered another photographic gem. it’s currently circulating the web.

so what do you do if you see a stormtrooper in a nice elise down the freeway? would you take pics of him? or….

find out after the jump!

hypocrisy.

hypocrisy. the act of preaching something and then failing to act in line with your teachings or words or advices and whatnot.

it’s basically a crime ALL of us commit. we, humans, are idealistic creatures. forms of life whose actions tend to deviate from what we believe to be the right thing or right path to take.

we are all hypocrits.

i always find it amusing/confusing/dumb that when i have friends who come to me with their relationship problems and i tell them what to do, i comfort them, i sometimes even just tell them lies just to make them feel better and yet, in retrospect, i realise that i need the same from other people.

people do that don’t they? you know… why is it? basically, we’re all capable of solving our own problems with ease right? basically it just means that we can live life on our own, taking each problem, putting in a little bit of effort and thought and then spend the next 5 minutes just realising the logic behind that problem and hey, presto! it’s solved and we’re all good to go.

but no. it’s never that easy.

the very simple fact that we’re wired to be able to speak but yet, the implementation of that fact or idea is another issue altogether. ever find it difficult to do something when saying it has always been so easy? that actions speak louder than words? that every single sorry you ever said is worth nothing unless you do something about it? that every promise made is just a promise until you fulfill that promise or spend the rest of your life standing by your promise?

it’s true. hypocrisy is sorta built into all of us. hypocrits of our words and actions.

haha what’s the point of the post? i don’t know.

i just had this realization from a long time ago and just wanted to share it with you guys.

………

“take all the time you need. because in circumstances now, all we have is time. i’m trying my best. and in some aspects, i think it’s working and it’s good that i know that things are changing. for the better too. i think before i would have said that the clock is ticking away, and the time for me to leave is fast approaching.. but now, i look at it as there is no clock and time doesn’t tick down anymore because i want our friendship to be timeless. no boundaries, no bars. to adapt, to familiarise with the new circumstances, to understand that this is where we stand now.. it all just takes time. and you can take all you need.”